Skills Building

Financial Therapy 101: Money Scripts

Posted by on April 17, 2010 in Financial Therapy, Skills Building | 0 comments

We cannot change a reality we deny exists, so if you want to enhance your relationship with money, you must first know what it presently is. In this and the next post, I’ll introduce you to simple exercises you can use to “stir the pot” and begin to gather evidence as to what your relationship with money is like. (Remember: “Money” refers to all types of financial / material means.)

Step 1: Identify your Money Scripts

Money Scripts are the automatic thoughts we have in regards to money.

Exercise 1: Brainstorming

Take out a blank sheet of paper. Read through the following list – one item at a time – and consider how each relates to money. Write down whatever pops into your mind.

Don’t filter! Don’t judge! Don’t rationalize!

The key to brainstorming is to let the thoughts flow freely and easily. There will be time later to consider what you have written down.

Give yourself 15-30 seconds with each word, then move on to the next. Remember, there is no right or wrong answer – simply write down what first comes to mind.

Wealth

Happiness

Success

Debt

Family

Obligations

Work

Taxes

Saving

Pain

Values

Trust

Luck

Spending

Children

Bankruptcy

Harmony

Conflict

Regret

Shopping

Rights

Poverty

Inheritance

Giving

Fantasy

Honesty

God

If there are other words you’d like to brainstorm, go for it! Add them to your list. This exercise will help you practice noticing your thoughts.

Exercise 2: Real-time Tracking

Over the next week, keep an ongoing log of your thoughts regarding money. While you’re in a store, paying bills, considering your work, parenting children, chatting with friends, day dreaming … what are your Money Scripts? Write these down.

Remember, this isn’t a matter of “good” or “bad” – it is what it is. Each script is evidence of the experiences that have shaped your relationship with money into what it is today. They are grist for the mill of enhancing your relationship with money.

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For the Love of a Sauna

Posted by on March 2, 2010 in Skills Building | 0 comments

I’ll share with you a little known fact – most of my blog entries are written in a sauna.  Yep! My husband says I’m “baking like a potato,” and I love it. It’s one of my “happy places.”

One reason is because I know it’s good for me. My tolerance for the heat has built up over time, so I no longer watch the timer. I simply relax while my body uses one of its natural mechanisms (sweating) to get rid of toxins.

(For some tips on how to get rid of mental “toxins,” see the previous blog series “Taking Out the Mental Trash.”)

Another reason I love a sauna is because it’s one of the few times during the week when I’m totally by myself in a serene environment.  As someone inclined toward introversion, I need this time to recharge. The dim, relatively quiet environment offers few distractions.

Over time, my mind has learned that this is what I do. A good workout clears my mind and slows my thoughts. Then I hop into the sauna to “bake like a potato” and write. It’s a time I look forward to.

What about you? What are your happy places? Where do you go  – on a regular basis – to recharge?

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Taking Out the Mental Trash – Part 3

Posted by on February 20, 2010 in Skills Building | 0 comments

Last week I introduced you to a series of thinking errors (i.e., distorted ways of thinking). I invited you to familiarize yourself with these patterns and to begin monitoring your thoughts to see which ones you engage in the most.

This week, I’ll walk you through a process of exploring stressful thoughts to see if they are true, accurate, complete ….. There is value in working the process on paper, so please write down your responses.

The first step of the process is often the most challenging. To start, you need to identify a specific thought. Not a description of a situation. Not who said what. But instead, what exactly was going through your mind. If a court reporter could see what was going on between your ears, what would they note down. Don’t worry, this can get easier with practice.

1. Give an example of a distressing thought you had during the past few days.

2. Review the list of thinking error types and identify the errors in your thoughts.

3. Is this thought true? What is the evidence that this thought is true?

4. To what extent is this thought true (e.g., some times, occasionally, often)? Look out for words like always and never.

5. Check for emotionally charged words, such as labels (e.g., stupid, jerk, devastating, horrible). Maintain perspective.

6. Realistically consider the worst case scenario – briefly. If the thought is true, how will you survive, cope, and overcome the situation?

7. Talk to yourself compassionately. Note the positive.

8. Based on your work above, create a substitute thought that is accurate, realistic, and maintains perspective.

Let’s go through an example together …

1. Give an example of a distressing thought you had during the past few days.

(Situation: Ed, the superbly wonderful program administrator I had worked with for years, announced his resignation.)

My reaction – Automatic / first thoughts: I don’t want to work here without him. This stinks. No one will ever be as good as him. I don’t want to work with anyone else. (And the mental temper-tantrum went on…)

2. Review the list of thinking error types and identify the errors in your thoughts.

The following thinking errors were contained in these thoughts:

All or nothing thinking: No one else could ever be good enough.

Filtering: I was not letting myself consider that something good could come from the situation – for him or for me.

Jumping to conclusions: I assumed since no other manager had even done such a good job that no one else ever would again. I also assumed that I could / would not adjust well to another manager.

Catastrophizing: My skillful friend would no longer be my manager. We were losing a real treasure. It was all downhill from there.

Emotional reasoning: I was sad and surprised. This greatly shaped my initial reaction (thoughts).

Should: While not explicit in the thoughts listed above, at a deeper level, my thoughts likely contained should – such as “He should stay.” or “I should leave, too.”

Labeling: I said “this stinks” as if that one word could sum up the entire situation.

Personalization: My initial reaction was all about me. It did not consider anyone else.

Blaming: Again, while not explicit in the thoughts above, there could have been another thought that blamed my friend / manager for the sadness I felt.

3. Is this thought true? What is the evidence that this thought is true?

No. I could not assume to know what it would be like to work with a different manager or how that manager’s performance would be.

4. To what extent is this thought true (e.g., some times, occasionally, often)? Look out for words like always and never.

No one … ever …

5. Check for emotionally charged words, such as labels (e.g., stupid, jerk, devastating, horrible). Maintain perspective.

stinks

6. Realistically consider the worst case scenario – briefly. If the thought is true, how will you survive, cope, and overcome the situation?

I can survive and learn to work with a different manager. The world has not ended.

7. Talk to yourself compassionately. Note the positive.

I am blessed to have had the opportunity to work with this manager, and I am very happy that he will be doing more of the type of work he most enjoys.

8. Based on your work above, create a substitute thought that is accurate, realistic, and maintains perspective.

After I got past the initial shock and got to thinking more clearly – this is what I thought:

I am sad to hear this news. I was not expecting it. It has been an enormous blessing to work with Ed, and I will miss him. While the next manager may not be as much of a delight, I will make the best of it. I work with a great group of people, and we will get through this together.  I am excited that Ed will be doing the work he most enjoys. He is so gifted in that area. I will miss him but wish him the very best and will look forward to staying in touch.

Over time, as you practice this process, you can learn to do this in real-time. That’s when the greatest benefits come in. And, as you repeatedly practice actively managing your thoughts, the nature of your thoughts will likely change, so that your automatic thoughts contain fewer distortions or errors.

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Taking out the Mental Trash – part 2

Posted by on February 13, 2010 in Skills Building | 0 comments

In my last blog entry, I invited you on a journey of taking out the “mental trash” – messages that clog our minds, burden our hearts, quash our spirits, and interfere with our ability to lead an authentic life. I suggested you start keeping  a log of these distressing thoughts. This week I’m introducing you to a system for identifying errors (i.e., distorted ways of thinking) in those thoughts.

Below are some of the most common categories of thinking errors . Don’t be alarmed when you realize “I do all of these!” We all do. As  you read through the list, think of your own examples – and see which are your most frequent offenders.

All or nothing thinking: You think of things in terms of black or white terms.

It’s my way or the highway.

You’re a success or a failure.

Blaming: You attribute your feelings and/or situation to someone or something else.

It’s your fault I’m angry.

I can’t have a good time if you aren’t with me.

They didn’t give me a choice.

Catastrophizing or minimizing: You grossly overestimate or underestimate the impact of a situation.

I really thought that he was the one; I guess I’ll die an old maid.

I didn’t hurt anyone on my way home; I told you I can hold my liquor.

Emotional reasoning: You allow your feelings to determine your thoughts.

I pushed her buttons because I felt like arguing.

I’m too (emotionally) tired to care anymore.

If I’m having  a bad day, I’ll see to it that everyone’s having a bad day.

Filtering: You focus on certain aspects, to the exclusion of others.

A performance review praises your leadership skills and is critical of your documentation. You disregard the commendations and dwell on the criticism.

Jumping to conclusions: You assume the worst.

A friend does not call you on your birthday. You conclude she must be mad at you.

Labeling: You call yourself and/or others such things as “lazy,” “ignorant,” or “stupid.”

I can’t believe I said that; how could I be so stupid?!

He is a jerk.

Overgeneralization: Because something seems negative, you assume things will always go wrong.

A friend betrays your trust and you conclude that no one can be trusted.

Personalization: You take personally something that may have little or nothing to do with you.

You hear co-workers snickering and assume they are laughing at you.

Should: You declare that what is should not be.

That should not have happened.

You should have known what I meant.

I should be able to do this.

Familiarize yourself with the thinking error types and begin training yourself to realize when you are engaging in distorted ways of thinking. In the next post, I’ll walk you through a process of changing your thoughts.

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